As you may have heard, Cleveland is no longer in the running to get HQ2, the new Amazon headquarters. Pretty much every major city in the United States submitted a secret bid to Amazon (including Cleveland, whose secret bid was so secret city leaders gave it the secret nickname “Conway.”) These are the 20 cities that made the cut, and they’re all terrible choices, not that we're mad about it or anything.
Atlanta
Busiest airport in the country, so, yeah, just a great selection if you’d like to see our nation’s air transportation system calcify into eternal nation-killing gridlock.
Austin
Come on. Austin is the kind of place people write haikus in their cover letters.
Boston
The mere thought of millions of Bostonians pronouncing it “Ah-mah-zahn.”
Chicago
They waited 107 years to win a World Series. They can wait 107 years to get HQ9.
Columbus, Ohio
IKEA and Amazon? No, Columbus, you do not get to have all the nice things.
Dallas
Cowboys fans. We can’t reward these people for their behavior. They must learn.
Denver
Other than the constant shortness of breath, the lies about how much sunshine it receives, the ski bros, and the fact that everyone is named Liam or Emma? Perfectly fine.
Indianapolis
Indianapolis is that guy you went to high school but you can't remember his name because he's not on Facebook and he didn't play any sports or join any groups and was just nice. He sells insurance now. Good for him.
Los Angeles
We’d always be one big earthquake away from no Christmas. Sorry. Not worth the risk.
Miami
We can’t imagine Amazon employees wanting to start their day off being chased by an alligator that’s eating a 20-foot-long snake.
Montgomery County, Md.
Should have been disqualified because it’s not even a city. Might not even be a place. Nice try, “Montgomery County, Md.”, if that is your real name.
Nashville
Nashville’s pitch to Amazon: “Come for the bachelorette parties, stay for the headquarters.”
Newark
Newark?!?!?
New York City
The sheer volume of think pieces about the dark side of the post-capitalism economy from Brooklyn bloggers would crush us all.
Northern Virginia
Again, not a city. We could have submitted our bid as “Northern Ohio,” which would have sounded more impressive, but we played by the rules, Northern Virginia, and nobody likes a cheater. You're out.
Philadelphia
The It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode where the gang all get jobs at the most important logistics company in the world would be amazing. Other than that, no. Hard no.
Pittsburgh
Do we really need to explain?
Raleigh, N.C.
It’s the third-best city in North Carolina. At best.
Toronto
The inevitable Drake song bragging about cloud computing.
Washington, D.C.
Giant, faceless, unaccountable organizations headquartered in this city don’t exactly have the most sterling of reputations.
So, Amazon -- how about a do-over?
Your pal,
"Conway"
